Truth and honesty
I started this on Monday, got as far as uploading it and even added a few photos, but I left it in drafts because something wasn't quite right.
Later in the day I had a call with a writing coach, she was using it as research to help refine her coaching package (she’d put a shout out on LWS for writers to talk to) and I was interested because I’ve been thinking about finding a writing coach for a while. It was 30-minutes of perceptive questioning and I hope she got as much out of it as I did.
‘You’ve painted the picture of the kind of writing you want to do Harriet. So, what’s stopping you from doing it?’
‘What’s stopping me?’
Pause
‘Oh,’
‘Well, I guess that would be me.’
There was something about the silence and her calm face staring at me through the Zoom screen that pierced my habitual brush it off and deflect armoury.
I had to be honest, what was stopping me was not the writing, but that other people, names on a subscriber list, people I could picture and even know in real life, might actually read it.
I’ve got into the habit of writing more vulnerable posts, sometimes even sharing them on my website, but not actually telling anyone they exist. Substack gave me the option of sharing this with subscribers, the first time I’ve written openly about alcohol addiction, something that dominated our family life growing up. But I unticked the box.
I was comfortable having written the words out of me, I felt lighter. But there was something about sending them into people’s inboxes that felt like a step too far.
But the thing is, mum was a talented artist, she went to Hornsey Art College in the late 1950s and when she died she left a huge body of work – sketches, acrylics, oils, watercolours - that we proudly showed at her funeral. But she never got comfortable sharing her work more widely than on the walls of our home. The tension between her desire to create and the fear of showing her work was palpable.
I suspect I wasn’t the only one to have a wry smile at her wake, wondering what she’d make of us daring to adorn the walls of the restaurant with her work. An eye roll for sure, probably a ‘Oh, for goodness sake’ too.
I don’t want to be held back by that same tension and if I’m serious about writing memoir and creative non-fiction, I need to get comfortable with being honest and brave about getting my thoughts into the world.
I’ve been partially committing to it for too long, tip toeing around, waiting and wanting someone else to give me permission to pass go. And with words like ‘truth’, ‘in denial’ and ‘honesty’ peppering family conversations in recent weeks, it’s hard not to look myself in the mirror and ask a few searching questions too.
“But in the end, stories are about one person saying to another: This is the way it feels to me. Can you understand what I’m saying? Does it feel this way to you?”
Kazuo Ishiguro, Nobel Lecture
I figured I’d move my newsletter to Substack where I knew I’d be surrounded by writers, thinkers and creatives all sharing their work. I’m a newbie, but being in this space is already helping me to view the words I’m putting into the world with fresh eyes, asking myself, ‘what kind of writing do I want to be known for?’ and ‘what’s stopping me from just f****** doing it?’
It’s the virtual kick up the backside I needed.
But look, my reflex is to swiftly change the subject now, and move away from the navel gazing before it gets too uncomfortable plus, I need to pack.
We’re heading to Scotland tomorrow. First stop to Mabie Forest before a second week in a treetop house in Nairn. Cue bigger, wilder skies than even Ilkley Moor has to offer, but I reckon I’ll leave the combat archery to Andy and the teens and stick to walks, reading and maybe the odd bike ride.
Thank you for reading, I’ll be back with another newsletter in a couple of weeks. Possibly, probably, but definitely at the end of August. But feel free to pop back just in case I’ve gone and posted something without telling any of you again and scroll a little further for my read, watch and listen list.
Harriet
Harriet’s read, watch and listen list
Read
Fiction: Demon Copperhead, Barbara Kingsolver because I need a good read to lose myself in and because it’s Barbara Kingsolver.
Memoir: Sins of my father, Lily Dunn This has been on my to-read list for ages. It is very, very good but I’m reading it slowly as some of the content is a little close to the bone.
Self-care: Rest to reset, Suzy Reading I just carry this with me, leave it where I can see it as a reminder too pause.
Watch
I’m so far behind the Grey’s Anatomy curve it’s embarrassing. I’ve watched four episodes though which means there are only 416 to go. How did I miss it first time round? Simple. I had a newborn and two-year old toddler to contend with back in 2005 and CBeebies was the only TV channel we watched with any regularity. But I now have my 14 year old to thank for getting me into it.
Listen
Conversations with Annalisa Barbieri: Processing grief with psychotherapist and co-founder of The Good Grief Project Jane Harris I haven’t finished this yet, but it’s very good.