A change is a gonna come...
and it comes with a whole range of feelings.
Hello, how are you?
Please forgive the wayward timings of these letters, I aim for fortnightly but it often slips because you know, life. Life in Ilkley is sunny which is fabulous. The garden is looking lush with delicate yellow poppies, out of control rhubarb and my favourite alchemilla mollis having its fun in the sun.
The water butts are running dry but the sliding doors are open and music drifts out. I guess the latest news is that I’ve handed in my notice at Oliver Bonas where I’ve been working part-time for the past 18 months, and I’m returning full-time(ish) to the writing desk in my navy-walled office at home.
Small change? Big change? Who knows, it’s all change.
The thing is, when change is afoot the temptation, for me at least, is to reinforce the protective shell, hunker down and pull up the drawbridge. I cleave to ‘no’ more than ‘yes’ and sometimes saying no is the right thing to do, but not always.
There’s a vulnerability - financial and otherwise - that comes with making this decision even though I know it’s the right one. Stepping away from something I know and enjoy feels counter-intuitive even when it’s right. There were changes coming down the line impacting the time I have with my husband and family that couldn’t be ignored. Plus, I’d started to miss sitting at my desk and writing for other people, helping them to find their words, their voice. I didn’t stop completely but I am going to have to put myself out there again and find new work, new clients to work with.
Colour, conversation and confidence
I’ve loved working outside the home. I’ve gained confidence and embraced a more colourful wardrobe, I mean, I wore a bright orange jumpsuit to the eldest’s graduation last summer when my usual uniform is more navy and white stripes. I’ve had more fabulous conversations with women in their midlife from behind the changing room curtain and around the jewellery cabinet than I can remember.
There was the woman who used a dowsing necklace to help choose a present for her ‘difficult to buy for’ daughter. The woman busting some moves in the changing room to check the robustness of the poppers on the dress she was trying on while her husband sang along to The Communards ‘Don’t leave me this way’. The woman who whispered that the reason she favoured tunic style shirts and tops that skimmed her body is because she feels self-conscious about the scar tissue in her abdomen after a lot of surgery.
These and lots of other conversations will stay with me, but I need more control over my working life. I’ve noticed a need to be at home more this year. I’ve found it harder to find a rhythm that I can settle into.
My desk, my writing room with its music and books and view of the trees is where I feel rooted especially when the rest of the family and world is spinning. Too many times I’ve felt like I’m back on the spinning dance floor of the Tuxedo Royale on the Tyne and while that was a lot of fun back in 1993, it’s less fun now.
So it’s back to freelance writing full-time (or my version of full-time), something I’ve been doing since 2008 in one form or another. I feel excited about being my own boss again and grateful that this is an option I can to turn to. Although I say ‘back to’, I’m viewing this more as a ‘quiet reinvention’ to borrow
’s words in an exchange we had the other day.I love a little reinvention. I just need to remember it comes with some awkward feelings and it’s ok to sit with them for a while, but maybe not for too long.
“Midlife: when the Universe grabs your shoulders and tells you “I’m not f-ing around, use the gifts you were given.”
Dr. Brene Brown
Newcastle: The Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art and the Laing Gallery
In between handing in my notice, writing to-do lists and giving my poor work website some TLC there’ve been two trips to Newcastle-upon-Tyne, books read, music listened to and food cooked.
Inspired by the ice breaker in the first session of the Intro to Creative Writing course I started with Writing Room the other week (all we had to do was share a recommendation, a place, a book, a film, anything) I thought I’d share a few things I’ve liked over the past few weeks. It’s a reminder to me as much as anything else that in amongst the big thoughts there’s some really great stuff going on too.
My first trip to Newcastle was on an unofficial ‘take your mum to work’ visit to see the Torvill & Dean Last Dance Ice Show. The eldest is following them on tour as a camera operator for their ‘The Last Dance’ documentary, it should be on our small screens later this year.
I wouldn’t normally spend a Thursday afternoon in the Utilita Arena squished next to a couple from Darlington, the husband happily showing me photos of their lurcher dog but it was fun.
Before the ice dancers emerged from behind the black curtain and The Greatest Showman soundtrack to backflip, twist, jump and glide around the ice, my ice dance watching companion and his wife shared tales of travels with their dog. We swapped notes on our favourite north east beaches - Saltburn-by-the-Sea- on both our lists. They also told me they were from Nottingham originally and saw Torvill & Dean on their first tour back in 1980-something and that this felt like closing a circle of sorts. I loved our conversation.
But before Torvill & Dean I popped into the Baltic Centre for Contemporary Arts. I love this gallery. I love the building. I love walking along the Quayside and crossing the Millennium Bridge. I loved how on that May Thursday lunchtime there was a buzz in the air as people took advantage of the benches by the Tyne to sit and have lunch under a clear blue sky. More conversational energy filling the air.
At the gallery I loved the Rachel and Laura Lancaster exhibition ‘Remember, somewhere’. I loved my cuban sandwich in the cafe afterwards and I loved passing Offshore 44 on the way to the arena. Offshore 44 is where you’d find me and my housemates most Friday early evenings between the years of 1989-1993 taking advantage of Happy Hour when we were at Newcastle Poly.
I stuck to the city centre when I was there this week though, popping into my other favourite place, the Laing Gallery after offering my son some moral support at a flat viewing. I love the cafe with the tall glass stained window. I love the navy walled first floor gallery but I really loved hearing the sounds of chatter and exclamations from the primary school aged children who were there making their own art that afternoon.
Books!
Last year didn’t feel like a great reading year. I mean I read books, lots of them, but few hit the spot. I’m being a little more mindful about picking reads that work with my mood and energy this year. So far standouts include Ann Patchett’s Tom Lake, Elif Shafak’s Three Daughters of Eve and Emma Simpson’s Breaking Waves on the memoir front.
I’ve just finished Greta and Valdin By Rebecca K Reilly and loved it. Sharp writing, quirky characters you can’t help but love, and a fabulous setting in New Zealand. Next up is Cathy Newman’s Sandwich because I loved ‘We all want impossible things’ and then Rupet Dastur’s Cloudless after hearing him talk about the book at The Grove Bookshop last Thursday evening.
Let the music play
We’ve been back to the mid-nineties and early 2000s with Brand New Heavies ‘Brother Sister’, Nora Jones ‘Come away with me’ and Corinne Bailey Rae wafting through the open doors and onto the decking. That and The Sundays ‘This is where the story ends’ thanks to the teen and her friends playing it in the kitchen on Wednesday morning before their final day at school ahead of exams. I’ve also been playing Dojo Cuts ‘Easy to come home’ after hearing it in One Kitchen & Social in Jesmond where I met the eldest for a drink before the flat viewing. Newcastle isn’t short on great places to eat and drink.
Breaking bread
And finally, some home cooking. We love our Mob cookbooks especially Mob One right now. I’m a big fan of one pot cooking, especially if it’s something I can chuck in the oven or leave on the hob and forget about for a while. The Italian meatball recipe on page 151 has gone down a treat multiple times in the past few weeks with friends and family as has the Preserved Lemon and Ginger cheesecake recipe on page 250. Crowd pleasers for sure.
Oof, I think that’s enough for now. I hope it’s warm and sunny where you are, and that you’re able to make the most of it whether in the garden or generally out and about. And feel free to jump into the comments with your recommendations.
Thanks for reading, Harriet
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Loved reading this. Fun fact, I used to work at the Laing Art Gallery!
So glad you are feeling good about this next step - and please take me to Newcastle some time x